06.22.08
Posted in Thoughts at 11:40 am by Cantor Debbi Ballard
This is a big week for me. In celebration (and maybe a tiny bit of fear and trepidation) I decided to post a more personal entry here today. Not because I think this is anything revolutionary that people need to read, but because I think it’s all good - and I should be willing to share.
Trevor, my youngest child, is leaving on Tuesday for college. This is the day all parents have on their minds from the day their child is born. We think about it, yearn for it, dread it, avoid it, embrace it - no matter what the emotion - it’s on our minds, constantly. It has been on mine for years. I remember when he finished his last day of preschool. Endings and beginnings, I thought. Life is just a series of impermanent situations, and as hard as we try to hold on to moments, jobs, situations, money, anything - really, the more we hold on, the more they escape our tightest grasp. I’ve watched my kids very closely over the years, but at times, have stayed far away, allowing them to grow and experience life. I picked my battles, and let them fall down and bruise themselves, so they would know how to make their own boo-boos better, because I knew I would not always be there to kiss them.
When Lauren was getting ready to leave, 2 years ago, we struggled in our relationship for the first time ever in those last days at home. She was obsessed with spending time with her friends, and none with me. The end of year parties and hanging out, and relentless attachment to the kids she might never see again were just too much to bear. I learned then, and am applying now the lesson of my life - Let them go, allow them to be, and look forward to what they will become. UGH!
Sometimes I look at my parenting process, and my children, and know I am only a self-proclaimed rock star. I have a better relationship with my children than any parent I know (except for Alison - we share the same views). I give them more freedom, allow them far more misgivings, but yet, they are amazing kids, and we have a profound respect for each other, and I wonder how many people can actually say that about their teenzillas. Sometimes I wonder if I give myself too much credit, though. A little voice inside of me tells me to write the book, and now that I have time on my hands, I think I just might give it a whirl. But - how do I know if I’m really a great parent? What if nobody agrees? Well - I received some interesting feedback on Friday, which inspired me to begin writing, and so here it begins…
Not only is Trevor leaving for school, but I am doing the unthinkable, and, 2 days after his departure, I am moving out of the big house in Weston, into a condo in East Fort Lauderdale. Downsizing, living where ** I ** want to live, rather than where my kids get the best education, being closer to my family (especially Lexi), and having a social life enticed me to say “WHY WAIT”? If you have to move the last kid out of the house - do it BIG! Move EVERYONE! So, I had to endure this incredibly painful condo application and background check - including 6 character references, to get the process started.
My friend, Irv called me, and told me about his call with the condo association. I suppose they asked him about me, and my character, and he told them I was a great Mom. (Thanks, Irv!) But what was funny was that the woman told him that everyone she had talked to about me had told her the same thing. WOW. 6 people all told the condo association I was a great Mom. It’s one thing to self proclaim, but it’s completely different when the people closest to you in your life all send you the same resounding message. I think I actually did it right, and I couldn’t be happier.
Now, I’m sitting here amid piles of boxes and clothes, almost ready to make the trip to Gainesville in 48 hours, and looking back, looking at now, and looking at the future. And I still couldn’t be happier. The road to today wasn’t always easy, but it absolutely was the most rewarding experience of my life. Looking back with love, I know the challenges were the lessons we all had to learn, to get us to today. Looking at today, I see that I have an amazing relationship with my kids that money cannot buy, and living in Weston, that’s pretty darn good. And looking into the future, I see clear visions for my children of being happy, successful, and fulfilled.
But in order to look forward so positively, I must let go of what was. I gave my kids roots to keep them firmly grounded, but wings to fly. But even more importantly, I am giving myself the same wings, as I must redefine and recreate who I am and what I am, without 2 children at home to center my life around. I’m happy to allow us to just be - whatever any of us want to be - in full support of their choices, their mistakes, and their successes, because that makes them who they are. And I am looking forward to whatever life brings, because it means I am alive, and I cannot think of a greater thing to be.
Lauren and Trevor - You have taught me the most amazing lessons in life. I love you more than anything in the world, and I hope you are half as proud of me, as I am of you.
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06.19.08
Posted in Weddings, Interfaith Relationships at 11:15 am by Cantor Debbi Ballard
As if helping people, working with them at their happiest times in life, and traveling all over the world isn’t good enough - there’s yet one more reason why I absolutely LOVE what I do. That reason is my friend Liz’s family, for whose family I have truly become “Their Personal Cantor”. Let me tell you more….
I became invested as a Cantor in 2004, and shortly after my investiture, my friend Liz, who I worked with professionally at the time, was also single, and dating. Since I was a bit older than she was, I always had to check out who she was looking at and talking to, and give my approval to. Well, in a separate post you can read about Scott & Liz’s courtship and marriage, but - because I was so closely involved with their first meeting, they asked me to marry them, and I did! I had performed weddings before, but this one was SO special. She was my friend, and now, so was Scott.
Almost immediately, as was their plan, Scott and Liz got pregnant with Jordyn, the cutest little girl ever! (Well, except for my niece, Alexa - sorry guys…) As her pregnancy was moving further along, Liz called me and asked me to officiate her baby naming, which I would have LOVED to do, but she did it on Thanksgiving weekend that year, and I had already been hired to officiate a naming in Atlanta for a friend, so I was unable - that made us very sad, because it just wasn’t going to be the same. “Next one”, I promised…and they agreed.
Since I had worked with Liz, I got to know her mom, Debra, who is one amazing woman. I love her. She is rough and tough on the outside, and as soft as a marshmallow on the inside. Debra would give her life for her kids, and I’m sure, many times, she felt as though she did. Through my relationship with Liz, I also got to be quite friendly with Jamie, Liz’s brother, who also worked with us in the same office. (We were all in the recruiting industry at the time. They still are, but obviously, I left to follow my heart..)
Jamie’s dating adventures were frequently topics of interest in our conversations, but one day, Jamie met Camille, and the rest was history. Camille is stunning - inside and out, but I’ll talk more about her later. As I got closer with this family, I always knew Liz and Jamie had a super special relationship with their grandma, Agnes. Agnes lived an amazing life, and was so fortunate to live a long one, full of love, children, family, and good times. She died just a few months ago, and at the time she passed away, Liz called me to tell me about her grandmother, and asked me to officiate her funeral. The family couldn’t possibly want anyone else to do it, she said, and I was there. I put all of my other work aside, and immediately became immersed in this family, the brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, everyone. No different from any other family in mourning, but this was somehow MY family, and I felt their pain as if it were my own. I chanted El Malei Rachamim at the funeral, and when I sang this beautiful melody, I was transported to a different place somehow. My feet on the floor, but my heart rose above, and again, I knew, I was in the perfect place. Helping this family through a difficult time, I somehow felt that I could take some of their pain away, and I hope they would tell you that I did.
Well, we all knew at the time of Agnes’s funeral that we had happier days to look forward to together. Jamie and Camille’s wedding was scheduled for June 7th, and we were so excited! Just knowing we had that happy occasion to celebrate made everyone feel better, in joyous anticipation of the day that they would walk down the aisle, and of course - I would officiate their wedding.
Ok, so, back to Camille. Last December, I officiated a Bar Mitzvah for a mutual friend of ours on a RCCL cruise ship, and Jamie was a guest on that cruise as well. I knew he was bringing Camille, but he hadn’t yet officially proposed. I was excited to meet her, and she was everything everyone had said - and more. She was the perfect balance for Jamie - fun, beautiful, a little bit bad girl - but mostly good - and very grounded. She had a little boy named Gaige, who Jamie had really become a father figure to, and they had just bought a house together, and were getting ready to move in. I told them I wanted to do their wedding, but that was a bit off in the future, and they weren’t ready to think about that yet.
Until a few months later, when they were settled in, and then I got the call from Liz. “Jamie and Camille got officially engaged, and you need to call them”, she said. So I did. Jamie and Camille wanted a very different wedding than what Scott and Liz had, but, it was still beautiful, warm, spiritual, and most of all - it focused on what was important. The very special love between Jamie and Camille, that anyone can see when they are together. It was simple and non pretentious, but it was personal, and all about Jamie and Camille. That’s how I want my weddings. Camille called me yesterday to say they had just gotten back from the honeymoon, and to thank me for performing a beautiful wedding. There’s no greater feeling than to stand at the union of two very special people, feeling their love for each other, and everyone’s love for them as a family, and to know that I made it official. But not only did I make it official, I became even more so, this family’s “personal cantor”, friend, family member, and spiritual partner. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to be part of their lives in this way, and now, I’m looking forward to next week, when Liz gives birth to her 2nd child on June 27th. (a boy this time… Again, I won’t get to do the ceremony, but I will get to say a few prayers) Of course, Liz had to go schedule the bris on another holiday - so July 4th, when everyone is lighting fireworks, we will be welcoming a beautiful little boy into the family, together. Truly a cause for celebration…
Jamie and Camille’s wedding ceremony
Scott and Liz’s wedding ceremony
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05.25.08
Posted in Weddings, Interfaith Relationships at 6:47 pm by Cantor Debbi Ballard
So, welcome to the 2nd half of my day, yesterday, May 24th. After leaving Josh’s Bar Mitzvah, I had to make a mad dash up to Boca to return Leon’s Torah, and had just enough time to stop off and say hi to my sister, Nancy. Unfortunately, Alexa, my niece, was sleeping, so I didn’t get to snuggle with her at all. After a quick visit, I started to make my way to downtown Fort Lauderdale, where Simon and Nicole were getting married.
When I first met Simon and Nicole, they told me their wedding was planned for May 24th at 5:30. No problem, I said. Then they told me it was outside, at the New River Inn, a historic replica museum from the 1800’s, situated right on the New River. Hmmm, outside, in May, at 5:30 p.m.???? What was plan B? Well, they replied..”Inside the museum is a small room, and we can move inside if we have to, but we’re pretty confident it will all be ok”….Yes, and now I reflect…the best laid plans….
So, in the drive from Boca to Ft. Lauderdale, it poured the entire way. I mean, POURED. Like, torrential, hurricane, darkness, ominous, thunder, lightning, yucky, stay in bed all day - RAIN. I was worried. As I arrived, 30 minutes before the wedding was scheduled to begin, I saw they had just finished moving everything - from outside to inside. Yes - inside that “little room”, in the little 1800’s museum - with no air conditioning, on a humid 100 degree day. I felt so bad for Nicole..She had so wanted that outside wedding. She and Simon had met more than a year ago on the water taxi. Nicole was on vacation in Florida, and Simon was working the taxi that night. After a long term - long distance relationship, she moved to Florida, and the rest was history. Wanting to replicate that beshert meeting location, they decided on a quaint, charming wedding, at the New River Inn.
So, just as soon as they moved everything inside, the rain stopped. Now Simon was really angry. He wanted his wedding outside, and it was his day, so guess what - we moved all the chairs, the chuppa, the table, the sound system - everything - BACK OUTSIDE. Everything was going to be wonderful…or so we thought…
We began the processional. We came around the building, walked onto the grass, where the chuppa and chairs stood, and I began the ceremony. As fast as you can say the words lightning storm, in the middle of “The Seven Blessings”, along came the rains again, in an instant, and there we were - all getting soaking wet. So - everyone made a mad dash for the inside of the building - AGAIN. Now here we were, all soaked, and gathered (standing) in the little room, with no chairs, and no air conditioning. Poor Simon. Poor Nicole. Soaked.
So, I picked up where we left off, but only after reminding them, and all of their guests about a very important life lesson. We make plans- sometimes, elaborate plans. Sometimes, plans our hearts are counting on. Sometimes, we work so hard on them, that we really choose not to look objectively at the various possible outcomes, because we want what we want, so we plan them. And then, God laughs.
I told Simon and Nicole that it was perfectly fitting, and perhaps this was a lesson they could learn and take with them all through their lives together. Life is all about making plans, and then having everything shift, and change. We make our plans, we plot out our lives, and the turns and twists in the road come rushing up to meet us, just when we least expect them. As Simon stood before me - teeming because he was sweating to death and quite upset at the obstacle they had endured, I encouraged them to laugh - because - what was really important? Here they were, with their family and friends, making the ultimate commitment to each other, celebrating the day they would begin spending the rest of their lives together. It wasn’t important that they were hot and wet. That would pass. Nobody melted. And while the pictures may not come out as planned - it’s important to remember what is important - and not to sweat the small stuff.
Life brings twists and turns - we cannot avoid them. What matters is how we handle them. It matters that we count our blessings every day, especially when we feel most un-blessed. It’s important to lean on the people standing next to us, who love us, and to be strong for them to lean on in return. Nicole was amazing - she kept smiling, because she knew - today was the day she was marrying her best friend, and she never lost her sense of humor. Keep smiling, Nicole. You are beautiful, and unfortunately, you will find days that ruin your plans many more times in your life - but I know you will keep laughing every time - That’s just the way you are. Thanks for allowing me to share your amazing day - rain and all.
Simon & Nicole’s wedding ceremony
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Posted in Bar Mitzvah/Bat Mitzvah at 1:22 pm by Cantor Debbi Ballard
Today was one of those red circle days on the calendar. Life seems to have revolved around today, and I’ve pushed through May, sometimes feeling like I didn’t even take the time to breathe. This morning, I felt totally overwhelmed with my upcoming commitments for the day, and now, at 9pm, the day is past, and I am finished with my work. And what a day it has been…
Josh..My amazing Josh. Today was his Bar Mitzvah, and for the first time in a while, tomorrow - at 10 a.m., when I would have normally gone to his house for tutoring, I will be sad for the emptiness in my calendar. This child has brightened my day every Sunday, and has reminded me weekly that I am perfect for what I do, and what I do is perfect for me. Hebrew school didn’t fit for Josh. He acted out, disrupted the class, and his Mom was at a loss for what to do. What was worse, was his Mom worked at the synagogue, and felt that nobody made the effort to engage Josh in his lessons, or in Jewish learning. And so Mom asked me to officiate Josh’s service, and I immediately agreed to help.
In the beginning, working with Josh was no picnic. His dad had passed away, and to make ends meet, his mom works 2 and sometimes 3 jobs to give him a good life, and raise him in a great city with great schools. But, Josh was quite angry at times, and acted out in ways that didn’t really help him much when it came to earning respect from his teachers. And much of the time, in the beginning, Josh wasn’t even very nice to his Mom, either.
One day, Josh was being particularly nasty, and I got up and left his house in the middle of his lesson. He cried. He begged me not to leave, and it broke my heart. But I left anyway, knowing that somehow, this child had to take responsibility for his behavior. He called me later that night, apologized, and promised that he would never act out again. And he held up his end of the bargain. Every day, for 1 hour on Sunday mornings, Josh couldn’t wait to show me what he knew, and how hard he had worked. We understood each other, and immediately began to enjoy working together. He would greet me in the mornings, most of the time with a big hug and kiss, and the hour would fly by.
Today, Josh proved to me, his family, the world, and most importantly - himself…what a little bit of hard work, dedication, respect, and self discipline can do. Josh led our service perfectly today. Josh stood on the bimah, and became a man, and I’m not sure who was prouder - his Mom, his grandparents, or me. Many teachers gave up on Josh, but I saw something in that young man that made me know that he and I would work miracles together. ….and we did….
…But…that was just the first half of the day..
Josh’s Bar Mitzvah
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05.10.08
Posted in Bar Mitzvah/Bat Mitzvah at 6:57 pm by Cantor Debbi Ballard
Today was FINALLY the day of Randy & Alex’s Bar Mitzvah! I know they never thought the day would come - and quite frankly, neither did I! Or - I was afraid it would come too fast, and they wouldn’t be prepared! But - miracles do happen, and the boys amazed me today at their service! They did such a good job, and they were so proud of themselves. Not that I need reasons to believe in what I do, but the feeling we all had at the end was definitely a reminder, if I did need one..
My relationship with Randy’s family was very special. Their oldest son, Terry, was Trevor’s Bar Mitzvah partner 5 years ago. I tutored them both, and while Trevor was simple, and needed very little teaching, Terry was, well…a bit more of a challenge. Then, 2 years later, I had the pleasure of tutoring his sister, Casey. (Who was MUCH sweeter at the time, but still a bit of a challenge) Then, along comes Randy, and now that I am able to officiate Bar Mitzvah ceremonies on my own, their family came right to me, and asked me to create a service for them, and their friend’s, the Kaplans. It was agreed - I would officate the Bar Mitzvah for both Randy and Alex.
I was nervous last night, and even more so this morning. These kids are hockey fanatics, and let me tell you - everything in their lives was about hockey! Getting them to study every week was a chore, but they were the sweetest boys, I could never really get mad at them. And even though we struggled to get through the lessons, they had the most amazing attitude and pride in what they were doing. I knew it was tough for them to get it all done, and today, they made me the most proud Bar Mitzvah tutor and Cantor on earth!
I wrote a few of my own melodies to change things up this time, and I made especially sure that I made this a learning service. I am convinced these days, that in a modern Bar Mitzvah service, sometimes we find just as many non-Jews, as we do Jewish attendees, and it is important to explain every component of the service. I have heard from many of my Jewish guests, that they even appreciated hearing why we do what we do - as if they were never taught the actual reasons and meanings behind our ritual traditions.
So, at the end, from my Jewish guests and non, I had amazing comments and f
elt so proud of this very special service that we created. The boys were beaming with pride, as were their families. I know they will take the lessons they learned in this experience, and continue to apply them to their lives. Just when I’m most nervous about the outcome, another service becomes my “best ever”! Thanks, Randy & Alex. You did SUCH a great job!
P.S. - It is important to note that in both of these families, the MOM was the NON-JEW. Each of these mothers make a tremendous commitment to raising Jewish families, and without them, the Bar Mitzvah’s would never have happened. I know this is becoming more common, but I just have to go on record by publicly thanking them for their ultimate commitment to their Jewish husbands and their children, and for sharing the responsibility of Jewish continuity. I couldn’t be more proud.
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