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Wedding Officiant -Debbi Ballard

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Home » Lifecycle Events » Bar/Bat Mitzvah Adventures » Page 5

What DO we want from Hebrew Schools?

August 13, 2008 by Debbi Ballard 2 Comments

Gary Rosenblatt, Editor of The Jewish Week, wrote an incredibly insightful and timely article today, that I felt compelled to finally write about, after giving this much thought for oh – 20+ years or so.

Even though the work I am doing is moving rapidly in that direction, I have been somewhat fearful of putting my exact thoughts in writing, because my feelings really don’t do anything to enhance the traditional synagogue’s reputation in educating our Jewish children. I just got another phone call from a local parent, lamenting about the poor quality of education, the “factory” type of experience, and the negative feeling she had from one of our local synagogues, and she was looking for a more engaging, personal, and meaningful experience for her roughly $20k investment in her child’s Hebrew School education.

Like it or not, families ARE belonging, just for the lifecycle. The majority of Jewish families choose to no longer associate and pay dues to synagogues, once their children become Bar or Bat Mitzvah. Even when families do continue to pay dues, however, the child more often than not ends his or her connection, inevitably to focus on activities in their secular lives, rather than their religious lives.

Overall, families complain to me that they are certainly not getting their 20 thousand dollars worth – Instead, they are relegated to ridiculously early services, only to be RUSHED out of the building, to make room for the NEXT group of Bar Mitzvah attendees – and then what? The service is over at 11 – and – they can’t even have the nice room to make a luncheon, if they weren’t FIRST on the lottery to get the room. Top that off with an impersonal service, a condescending Rabbi on the pulpit who doesn’t even know the child’s name, and a measly two or three aliyot, so they can barely honor grandparents, let alone the Aunts and Uncles and Cousins.

Gary writes, “One seeming disconnect that Wertheimer found in his study is that while most parents see the chief role of secondary schools as preparing children for bar or bat mitzvah, only 7 percent of the schools surveyed listed that as their primary goal. Most schools cited giving children positive Jewish experiences as their top objective.” I believe the disconnect is that synagogues are too busy trying to figure out how to balance the budget with overpaid clergy and Executive Directors, and not enough time actually figuring out how to actually deliver the positive Jewish experiences. Kids are bored, and tired of teachers who are incapable of managing behavior, and have to spend 80% of their time quieting the room, leaving only 20% of their time to effective lesson delivery.

Parents feel that the clergy is more concerned with they themselves want to GIVE, rather than what the families want or need to feel connected. Sermons on the bimah that seem like scolding, or subject material completely irrelevant to today leave families wondering WHY they pay 20k to belong. The whole experience is a disconnect, and all people really want, at the end of the day, is to feel GOOD about being Jewish.

We must define what it is – or will be – that makes us get those warm and fuzzy feelings about being Jewish. Why do huge monstrosities of churches pop up on every corner, with traffic jams EVERY Sunday, and we can’t get a full room at a Sisterhood opening event? Because synagogues aren’t giving families what they really want – and they haven’t even spent a minute trying to figure it out. They decide what the Rabbi will do, and dictate the programming to the congregants, and then wonder why they cannot fill rooms. They’re all coming at it from the wrong direction.

At the end of the day, today’s families want less rules and more engagement. I’m not sure if a synagogue can even possibly meet the needs of today’s families, but I do see more and more spiritual cheerleaders – like myself, popping up all over the U.S. People who want to bring the “feel good” stuff that Jewishness creates, without the annoyances of organization. Synagogues used to mean “community”. Today, we find and create our own little communities, without needing to go inside a building.

I believe, what we really want from Hebrew Schools is less structured, engaging material, that Jewish children can understand and enjoy. Let’s learn more about the 10 Mitzvot, about being a good Jew, about what V’Ahavta means, and why the Sh’ma is so incredibly important to us. Let’s learn less phonetic memorization, and more about what Abraham and Sara really stood for, and why they’re important to us today.

Let’s learn how to live our lives as good Jewish people, doing good deeds, repairing the world, healing the sick, and appreciating what our ancestors stood for. Let’s make Jewish prayer resonate within us through music, ruach, and FUN. It can be done. At least, I’m working on it – every day.

My Rabbi told me I can’t save the world. But, if I can save 20 Jewish families next year, it’s a job well done.

Filed Under: Bar/Bat Mitzvah Adventures, Judaism, Thoughts Tagged With: Bar Mitzvah, Bat Mitzvah, Hebrew School, Jewish, Judaism, Synagogue

About Cantor Debbi Ballard

July 20, 2008 by Debbi Ballard Leave a Comment

I have a rich and varied background that brings me to where I am today. As a child growing up in a Conservative Jewish community, I was mesmerized and transformed by the musical experience of singing in synagogue with my family. Our Jewish holiday celebrations and lifecycle events became the most special moments in my life.
Brought up in a musical home, I followed my passion to sing while growing up, however, never realized how I could combine my love for music with work that would inspire and transform me.

In 1987, I met and married the man I fell in love with, however, much to the chagrin of my family, he was not Jewish. I had no idea how I was going to raise a family, much less an Interfaith family, but I had faith that I knew would carry us through. As our family grew, so did our need for spiritual worship, and as a parent – a JEWISH parent, I felt drawn to the worship experience I grew up with.
I was immediately faced with the harsh reality that Interfaith couples and families are not welcomed with open arms by the traditional houses of worship that exist today. Sure, even the most liberal synagogues open their arms in terms of membership, but when asked to actually facilitate the lifecycle events of the Interfaith family – now THAT was a different story…

I raised my children in our Reform synagogue in Weston, Florida, and served as a faithful congregant for years. But over the years, I have found that almost 80% of South Florida’s Jewish community is unaffiliated, and therefore unable to participate in a Jewish communal experience. They have little or no access to warm, meaningful Jewish lifecycle events. One cannot be Jewish alone, and while many people believe that synagogue life is the best way to be part of a Jewish community, not everyone feels the same way, I hope to serve as a connection for unaffiliated families to their Jewish roots and community.

In 2004, I met Rabbi Joseph Gelberman, the founder of the All Faith Seminary in New York. Rabbi Gelberman is the most amazing man, almost 98 years old, and sharp as a tack. My friend, my mentor, and my inspiration, Jerry Cohn introduced me to Rabbi G. That day, having lunch, in a Chinese Restaurant in Tamarac, Florida, he asked me to chant Debbie Friedman’s “Mishebeirach”. That moment was the most transforming moment of my life, as he asked me to found a Cantorial program with his seminary, and of course, through years of study with him and his staff, I became the first student to achieve a Cantorial S’micha, through the New Seminary.

Now, remember – I am still and will always be a congregant in my own synagogue. My worship needs are completely fulfilled by the Jewish community I am part of. But today’s social environment has created challenges that the Jewish community is unable to provide solutions to. For whatever reasons, 80% of our Jewish population does not, nor will ever, belong to a synagogue. And because of that, it’s possible that unlimited future Jewish generations could be lost forever, unless someone works to help these families maintain their Jewish connection.

So in 2004, I chose to become – Your Personal Cantor. A spiritual leader, a coach, a singer, a cheerleader, and a teacher. All in one. Yes, I believe that to be Jewish, you must be part of a Jewish community, but as our society expands, so does that Jewish community, and if I help you connect to your Jewish roots, then the likelihood of your future connection remains strong. I am committed to helping families, couples, and individuals remain connected to Judaism, in any way possible.

Call me today to find out how I can help you.. B’Shalom. Debbi

Email: Debbi@mypersonalcantor.com or call 954-646-1326

Filed Under: Baby Namings, Bar/Bat Mitzvah Adventures, Debbi's Deep Thoughts and Musings, Jewish, Interfaith, LGBTQ Weddings, Judaism, Thoughts, Weddings Tagged With: Add new tag, Interfaith, interfaith weddings, Jewish, Religion

Havdalah Bar Mitzvah delight

July 20, 2008 by Debbi Ballard Leave a Comment

Recently, a Party Planner I worked with last year, Lynn Goldberg, called me to ask if I would officiate at a Bar Mitzvah for one of her clients. They had recently moved down here from New Jersey, didn’t belong to a synagogue, but were planning a private Bar Mitzvah for their son, Jed. I met with the family, and agreed to work with them, especially since they already had someone to tutor Jed, and only needed me for the service. I went up to their home the following week, to meet the tutor, and plan the ceremony, and met Harriette Reznik, Jed’s tutor. Well we planned the ceremony, and got along famously, and agreed to keep in close touch, to discuss Jed’s progress.

The following week, I was working on a project with another client, who mentioned they were thinking of hiring someone for a job they needed filled, and asked if I would meet her, to see if she was someone they could work with. I took a look at the person’s name on the resume, and it said Harriette Reznik. Hmm, could it be? I walked around the corner, and there was Harriette sitting in the office, and neither of us could believe what a small world it was. So, we’ve been working together on 2 completely unrelated projects, and she is as nice as can be, and has quickly become a great friend.

Oh – so back to the Bar Mitzvah –

So, Karen (Jed’s Mom) asks me if I could incorporate her cousin and his oboe into any of my musical pieces, and I agreed to try to find the music to the R’Tzei, my favorite solo prayer in the Shabbat service. I hunted down the music and sent her cousin the piece, and he wrote the most beautiful oboe solo to my voice solo, only, I forgot to tell him to raise the key one half step. There we were, 5 minutes before the ceremony, and he had it written in entirely the wrong key.

Normally, not a problem, because if I needed to raise the key a half step, I could have used a capo on the guitar, but his was a half step lower, which resulted in chords that are disastrous to play for an amateur guitar player. (I need to take some professional lessons this month!!) But, miraculously, his son, a music major at NYU, was there, and he agreed to play my guitar for the piece. So, there we were, in the service, the 3 of us who had never seen each other, or played together, and we played the most magnificent rendition of the R’tzei, if I do say so myself.

It was a beautiful service. We sang Rick Recht’s Havdalah prayers over the wine, the candles, and the spices. They had a magnificent cocktail reception at the pool, with a Key West theme, and the night was a major success. It was actually one of my favorite services I’ve ever done! I hope they share the video with me!

Filed Under: Bar/Bat Mitzvah Adventures Tagged With: Bar Mitzvah, Havdalah, Jewish, Judaism, Prayer

Miracles do come true…

July 20, 2008 by Debbi Ballard Leave a Comment

Today was one of those red circle days on the calendar. Life seems to have revolved around today, and I’ve pushed through May, sometimes feeling like I didn’t even take the time to breathe. This morning, I felt totally overwhelmed with my upcoming commitments for the day, and now, at 9pm, the day is past, and I am finished with my work. And what a day it has been…

Josh..My amazing Josh. Today was his Bar Mitzvah, and for the first time in a while, tomorrow – at 10 a.m., when I would have normally gone to his house for tutoring, I will be sad for the emptiness in my calendar. This child has brightened my day every Sunday, and has reminded me weekly that I am perfect for what I do, and what I do is perfect for me. Hebrew school didn’t fit for Josh. He acted out, disrupted the class, and his Mom was at a loss for what to do. What was worse, was his Mom worked at the synagogue, and felt that nobody made the effort to engage Josh in his lessons, or in Jewish learning. And so Mom asked me to officiate Josh’s service, and I immediately agreed to help.

In the beginning, working with Josh was no picnic. His dad had passed away, and to make ends meet, his mom works 2 and sometimes 3 jobs to give him a good life, and raise him in a great city with great schools. But, Josh was quite angry at times, and acted out in ways that didn’t really help him much when it came to earning respect from his teachers. And much of the time, in the beginning, Josh wasn’t even very nice to his Mom, either.

One day, Josh was being particularly nasty, and I got up and left his house in the middle of his lesson. He cried. He begged me not to leave, and it broke my heart. But I left anyway, knowing that somehow, this child had to take responsibility for his behavior. He called me later that night, apologized, and promised that he would never act out again. And he held up his end of the bargain. Every day, for 1 hour on Sunday mornings, Josh couldn’t wait to show me what he knew, and how hard he had worked. We understood each other, and immediately began to enjoy working together. He would greet me in the mornings, most of the time with a big hug and kiss, and the hour would fly by.

Today, Josh proved to me, his family, the world, and most importantly – himself…what a little bit of hard work, dedication, respect, and self discipline can do. Josh led our service perfectly today. Josh stood on the bimah, and became a man, and I’m not sure who was prouder – his Mom, his grandparents, or me. Many teachers gave up on Josh, but I saw something in that young man that made me know that he and I would work miracles together. ….and we did….

…But…that was just the first half of the day..

Filed Under: Bar/Bat Mitzvah Adventures, Judaism Tagged With: Bar Mitzvah, Jewish, Judaism

Another Bar Mitzvah becomes my favorite!

July 20, 2008 by Debbi Ballard Leave a Comment

Today was FINALLY the day of Randy & Alex’s Bar Mitzvah! I know they never thought the day would come – and quite frankly, neither did I! Or – I was afraid it would come too fast, and they wouldn’t be prepared! But – miracles do happen, and the boys amazed me today at their service! They did such a good job, and they were so proud of themselves. Not that I need reasons to believe in what I do, but the feeling we all had at the end was definitely a reminder, if I did need one..

My relationship with Randy’s family was very special. Their oldest son, Terry, was Trevor’s Bar Mitzvah partner 5 years ago. I tutored them both, and while Trevor was simple, and needed very little teaching, Terry was, well…a bit more of a challenge. Then, 2 years later, I had the pleasure of tutoring his sister, Casey. (Who was MUCH sweeter at the time, but still a bit of a challenge) Then, along comes Randy, and now that I am able to officiate Bar Mitzvah ceremonies on my own, their family came right to me, and asked me to create a service for them, and their friend’s, the Kaplans. It was agreed – I would officate the Bar Mitzvah for both Randy and Alex.

I was nervous last night, and even more so this morning. These kids are hockey fanatics, and let me tell you – everything in their lives was about hockey! Getting them to study every week was a chore, but they were the sweetest boys, I could never really get mad at them. And even though we struggled to get through the lessons, they had the most amazing attitude and pride in what they were doing. I knew it was tough for them to get it all done, and today, they made me the most proud Bar Mitzvah tutor and Cantor on earth!

I wrote a few of my own melodies to change things up this time, and I made especially sure that I made this a learning service. I am convinced these days, that in a modern Bar Mitzvah service, sometimes we find just as many non-Jews, as we do Jewish attendees, and it is important to explain every component of the service. I have heard from many of my Jewish guests, that they even appreciated hearing why we do what we do – as if they were never taught the actual reasons and meanings behind our ritual traditions.

So, at the end, from my Jewish guests and non, I had amazing comments and fAlex and Randyelt so proud of this very special service that we created. The boys were beaming with pride, as were their families. I know they will take the lessons they learned in this experience, and continue to apply them to their lives. Just when I’m most nervous about the outcome, another service becomes my “best ever”! Thanks, Randy & Alex. You did SUCH a great job!

P.S. – It is important to note that in both of these families, the MOM was the NON-JEW. Each of these mothers make a tremendous commitment to raising Jewish families, and without them, the Bar Mitzvah’s would never have happened. I know this is becoming more common, but I just have to go on record by publicly thanking them for their ultimate commitment to their Jewish husbands and their children, and for sharing the responsibility of Jewish continuity. I couldn’t be more proud.

Filed Under: Bar/Bat Mitzvah Adventures, Judaism Tagged With: Bar Mitzvah, Interfaith

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