Where is God in Tragedy…How to find God in Our Darkest Hours

February 21, 2018 by Debbi Ballard Leave a Comment

Finding God in the most tragic events

I was in hell.

As a Spiritual Leader in the Jewish community in South Florida, I went into crisis mode when news struck of last week’s tragic shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, FL. I immediately began checking in with all of MY PERSONAL families, the ones I have worked with over 15 years, who lived anywhere between Coral Springs and Boca, as I knew they would most likely be impacted somehow. Thankfully, in less than an hour, I learned all of MY students were home safe with families, but that was not the case for all families. Some of my students were in the same classroom. They watched their friends get shot, and die. Their lives changed instantly in those moments, and that, alone, was tragic enough. The first questions I heard was How does God let this happen? Where is God at this moment? How do we find God?

How do we find God in this tragedy?

When I work with my students, one of the most important components of teaching them for their B-Mitzvah, is to help them find their own personal image of God. Finding Him, seeking Him out, connecting to Him in prayer, and building a relationship with God is so important. Not in a religious way. But in a faith way. It’s not easy to find God, especially when you cannot see Him. But I teach my kids that by connecting, by “going there”, to a place you think God is, to simply sit in silence and wait for God to touch you – is the most effective way to find God.

But when tragedy strikes, we believe God has left the building. Or worse yet, He doesn’t exist at all. Or even more unthinkable – did God ALLOW this to happen?

All I could do at that moment, was go where families were most in pain. I went straight to the Marriott in Heron Bay as a clergy and chaplain, as someone who could simply sit with these families, and share their pain with them. To hold space for them, as they knew in their hearts, that if they hadn’t yet heard from their children by 9pm, then the worst possible news might be on the horizon.

What could I do?

I felt helpless, but purposeful. Does that even make sense? As if just being there could possibly help – but I know, somehow it did. I couldn’t change the outcome, but I could simply be with this family, to let them know that in a world that seemed so dark, so full of hate, there was still love.

In that moment, I just had to share what I was feeling. It was literally HELL. A feeling of calm, suspended between hope and tragedy. Nobody was really speaking of the darkness yet, but it loomed. And you felt it. It was palpable and evident. But if you spoke of it, it might come closer. If you held out hope, and held a vision of your child walking through that door, then suddenly – God would return as well.

I grabbed my phone. I wrote. Whatever flew through my fingertips, I memorialized the feeling. I. Was. In. Hell.

I wasn’t just a Spiritual Leader at that moment. I was experiencing the tragedy, at one with my community. Facebook allowed me to share my feelings

I. Am. In. Hell.

Or, perhaps the closest I’ve ever been. But I’m pretty sure, this is hell. I am in the room where families of children and staff are waiting, because they haven’t heard from their children or loved ones. According to the sheriff, nobody has been identified but they are asking 1 member of each family to email a picture of their child to mcv@sheriff.org with the parent name, child’s name, grade and date of birth. If you know families with missing children that have not been notified, please direct them here.

I’m grateful for the generosity of Publix and many local pizza places, as the food keeps arriving to sustain the families, but let’s not forget. This. Is. Hell. The families in this room don’t know where their children are. They feel helpless. And hopeless. There is not a single word I can say to make anyone feel better, but I am here. Because maybe I can make it a little less like hell if I offer a shoulder or a hug. Nobody knows how long it will be. The crime scene is still under investigation. The FBI and BSO is on full scale presence, with thousands of law enforcement, Red Cross, Chaplains and more. But I cannot bring myself to leave, even though I can’t change the outcome.

Today is a day of love. But it has been eternally marred by hatred, mental illness and a machine gun. You may ask… “How does God allow this to happen”? God doesn’t. He creates humans that choose good or evil. God doesn’t choose this hell for anyone. An evil human chose to destroy. God is in despair, at what a human has done. I must stand strong, unwavering in my faith at this moment, clinging to my belief that God is good. God is with all of us as we experience joy and tragedy.

Today, in this place, God is here. And so, that makes me feel hope. I will try my best to look for the light, and to be a light for someone else. But for right now, This. Is. Hell. May God answer the prayers of the families here today, but may we all choose to be the light for those whose worst nightmares may come true.Cantor Debbi Ballard

My words of comfort during tragedy

In my job, people ask me all the time…”How does God let this happen”? How do I find God in times of tragedy such as this?

There is a wonderful book I read, that once provided me with all the answers I needed to this question. It is called “I Have Some Questions About God”, published by Torah Aura Productions

God doesn’t let this happen. He does not control every human (or any human), or outcome or occurrence in the universe. God created humans, and while we were created in His image, we are yet, imperfect. We have the capacity to choose good – or evil, as humans, and what created this evil was a human, not God. When 2 students were killed at FSU, I wrote these words

God, I believe, is equally as much in despair as you and I, at what a human created.

When CNN called me, they had read my post. They wanted to hear words of comfort they could share with their viewers.

This was my response, when they asked me for my words of comfort as a Spiritual Leader in the community.

Cantor Debbi on CNN

God is where you choose for Him to be

I can’t think of any other way to say it. God can be your refuge, or God can be your scapegoat. He will be whatever you make Him.

Today, and always, I choose God as my refuge. I choose God as my light, and comfort. He is a parent. He is a friend. And while He is a judge, the Almighty Judge, there is no judgment here. There is only tragedy, created by a human. And God is waiting for us to lean on Him.

B’Shalom

High Holidays 5778 – Looking Back

November 30, 2017 by Debbi Ballard Leave a Comment

Wow, has more than a month already gone by since we gathered as a community in the beautiful Miramar Cultural Center to celebrate the High Holidays 5778? I can’t believe it; but, it has. To be honest, September and October have flown by and, in my mind, are a combination of a blur of activity and a collection very specific moments which I can picture with level of clarity that makes them seem almost current.

Looking Back… Irma, I Heard You!

Let me be honest, the prelude to this year’s high holidays was not what I (or any of us) had expected. Hear that Irma?! The two weeks leading up to the holidays, during which I traditionally plan my services and coordinate the seemingly endless details associated with this undertaking, were interrupted by constant weather reports complete with a big storm icon emblazoned with the number five, right over my house! So, I bought water and canned goods, and batteries and fans. I hurricane proofed my house and I prepared for evacuation. And, I worked on my plans for the Hi-Ho’s 5778. Unfortunately, time does not stand still; and fortunately, life goes on. So did I. Sadly, something had to give; this year it was sleep. Everything else was too high a priority.

Eventually, Irma came and went. Truthfully, she was frightening; but, in the end, she was “only” a category one. We saw the local damage she caused and we were all thankful we weren’t hit harder. Once I knew I was safe,I moved back home (after my brief evacuation to Delray). Then, with the help of my kids, I cleaned up all the hurricane debris around my house. And, during it all, I finished planning! Before I knew it, Rosh Hashanah was upon us.

Services for High Holidays – Cycles of our Lives

Blowing the Shofar High Holidays 5778 — Our Rabbi, and Shofar Blower, Rabbi Steve

The Miramar Cultural Center was beautiful, as always. Honestly, I have grown to love this venue. It truly feels like each year I am coming home. My community, my families, were actively present, and as always and I was beyond grateful to be there. Together with my father, Rabbi Steve, my daughter and son-in-law, Lauren and Jay, my son Trevor (who carries the Torah for the Hakafah!) and my most favorite congregant, my grandson Jayden, things couldn’t have been more perfect.

Cantor Debbi Ballard at High Holidays 5778 — Cantor Debbi lights up when she sings for her Shema Koleinu community

The focus of my sermon was the number 7, which I shared has great significance in the Bible and in numerology. The knowledge that this was the seventh year we celebrated the high holidays in this location, together, brought me a special sense of peace. Remember, seven represents end of a cycle, it symbolizes completion and identifies an opportunity to review all that has occurred.

The Past Paves the Road to the Future

I have spent considerable time reviewing. Now, I believe, it is time to move forward. As I look ahead, I find my heart and my head filled with excitement as I begin a new cycle. I remember this feeling from seven years ago, and I welcome it. Where will life take me? What new and exciting adventures lie ahead? Without question, I know that what I have built here, in South Florida, will serve as a formidable foundation for what comes next. It is strong, well-developed and ready to grow.

The community I have brought together often seems like an extension of my own family. I treasure celebrating with you. Our time together is special, not only the high holidays as part of Shema Koleinu (http://shemakoleinu.org), but also all your life cycle events: your bar and bat mitzvahs, your weddings and your baby namings. I love working with your children and building relationships that enrich my life on a daily basis. So many of you have grown from my clients for a single event, to members of my community for all that we do together, to my friends for a lifetime. And, I cherish those relationships more than words can say.

The Next Cycle

Rabbi Stephen Spiegel at High Holidays — Rabbi Steve with his great grandson, Jayden

So, as I embark on my next cycle, so do all of you. It may not be the cycle that the number seven signifies. It may simply be the cycle of a new year. While the high holidays have passed, the traditional “holiday season” is almost upon us. First, Thanksgiving is upon us. Then we will celebrate Hanukkah and New Years. Start now to determine what is next for you personally and professionally. By beginning to plan your next cycle now, you are giving yourself time to reflect on the past, visualize the future. As a result, you will be able to develop a well-thought out plan to achieve your goals.

Perhaps you can help me plan my next cycle. First, are you familiar with any areas with a large, unaffiliated Jewish population that may have a void that I can help fill? Any ideas of where can I expand the services that I offer? Please, let me know if you do. I am always looking to grow, to expand the communities which I serve and to evolve in everything that I do. All of this, of course, will happen while I continue to serve all of you, my community, my friends, my family. In short, a new cycle is the perfect time to look ahead.

Cantor Debbi Ballard, a fixture in the unafilliated Jewish community of south Florida, has over 13 years experience providing spiritual guidance, officiating at life cycle events and serving her community in many ways. For more information visit https://mypersonalcantor.com

Celebrating 7 Years

September 20, 2017 by Debbi Ballard Leave a Comment

Shema Koleinu – 7 Magical Years

The number 7 carries tremendous significance in both the Bible and in numerology. 7 represents completion, rest, and an opportunity to review that which we created.

Today, my heart soars as I celebrate #7 with my Shema Koleinu unaffiliated Jewish community in South Florida, with my father, Rabbi Steve, and while I don’t quite feel restful, perhaps that will be in store for me – soon.

In 2011, I had a vision, and after reaching a point in my practice where I had served enough unaffiliated Jewish families to warrant a gathering – I decided to put my own gathering together. Of course – in Cantor Debbi Ballard style – this couldn’t be just a simple gathering – this had to be AWESOME and AMAZING – in year 1!

I went in search of a physical space to hold this gathering, and saw many auditoriums and social halls that would hold the number of people I envisioned – and in my search, I found Miramar Cultural Center in South Florida. It was regal, majestic, and the moment I stepped in to the auditorium, I could see the entire service – and my dad and I on stage – and many many people – adults, seniors and children filling the audience.

Tonight, I will step onto that stage for the 7th year, and I am filled with so many feelings as I prepare my mind and body for this incredible job of leading my unaffiliated Jewish community in services.

I’ve accomplished A LOT in 7 years. 2011 was the beginning of my most dramatic growth, personally and professionally. I have watched many Bar Mitzvah and Bat Mitzvah students continue on through high school and college, and in my 12 year tenure, have now had the opportunity to perform a few Jewish-Interfaith weddings for some of those students. I have performed over 300 Bar Mitzvahs since that time (500 in total) and brought over 300 couples to the chuppah. I’ve welcomed over 100 babies into the world, and helped over 100 unaffiliated Jewish families say goodbye to precious loved ones.

The significance of #7

In the Torah, in the book of Genesis, the first book of the Five Books of Moses, we are taught about the creation; specifically – the 7 days of creation.

On each of the days. God created something specific, like the earth, the planets, the trees, the animals, the waters and the heavens. On day 6, God created man. And on day 7 – God rested, but it wasn’t just about rest.

The most important thing God did – as he did with everything he created is that he paused, looked back and reflected, and he said – “This is good”. It may not have been perfect, but it sure was good, and it was the vision God had, manifested into physical space, and sometimes, the manifestation of a vision is enough. Sometimes, it’s even perfectly imperfect.

What #7 means to me

Today, I look back at what I have created. Along with my dad, and even the help of my kids and some VERY significant congregants, I am so proud to say…
This. Is. Good.

Perhaps not perfect, but what good is perfection? Imperfect keeps me striving. Imperfect makes me feel alive – to greet another year – to keep going – to change things – to adapt. Imperfect encourages me to set new goals, and find new ways of doing what God has called me to do, and new ways of expressing myself in this awesome and amazing life.

7 – Looking forward

This year has been turned a bit on its head with hurricanes, earthquakes, and political strife. But, we do the best we can, we look back and find better ways of being, and just for now – we rest, admire, and breathe.

I wish for all of you a year where you can look at your perfect imperfection – and breathe. Love what you have created. Feel the Divinity. Know it is yours. Make plans. Make changes. Thank you, #7.

Facing your fears and the hero of Passover

March 28, 2017 by Debbi Ballard Leave a Comment

Who do you think was the hero of Passover?

I bet you anything you’ll say Moses, right off the bat, right?

Well, it’s important to know the story of Passover and dig a little deeper, so I’m going to share my personal thoughts on a great Passover hero, Nachshon.

I’m not saying Moses wasn’t a hero – he was! He conquered his fears, despite feeling insecure as a result of his speech impediment, and he absolutely believed he was not worthy of the responsibility God had bestowed upon him. But, he had a huge advantage – he had God on his side, and his brother Aaron, supporting and encouraging all the way.

Nachshon was not so lucky. As the Israelites approached the Sea of Reeds, and Pharoah’s army was already in hot pursuit, intending to recapture the released slave community, he was left with a choice – a momentary decision that would change history.

Nachshon had a debilitating fear of water. As he looked ahead, and all around, he saw only water, fear, and was sure he would drown.

As he looked back, he saw Pharoah’s army, closing in on the Israelites. Surely, he could not go back. He knew in that moment that going backwards not only also meant death, but regression and surrender to evil.

So, he chose forward. He put those fears aside, and stuck his toe into the water. Consumed even more with fear, he continued, staring fear in the face, and moving forward.

Just at the moment the water was about to overtake Nachshon, the miracle occurred. Moses lifted his staff unto the heavens. In concert with the Divine, at that very moment the waters parted, and the Israelites had a clear path to freedom.

So – who was the hero? What brought upon us this great miracle? Did Moses have supernatural power? Well, kind of – he had God leading the way. But my hero of the day is Nachshon. An ordinary guy, using his human power to conquer fear, look forward, and move through the fear. Making it to the other side, I am inspired by this story, year after year.

Not a day goes by that I’m not afraid of something. But I always keep the story of Nachshon nearby to remind me that fear will always be what stops me – if I allow it.

This Passover, what are you afraid of, that you are willing to stare in the face and move through?

Wishing you a holiday of strength and perseverance, like those who came before us.

On Losing Life Before It’s Time

March 21, 2017 by Debbi Ballard Leave a Comment

It’s so hard to comprehend death..

The hardest part about my job is when a young person asks me why G-d had to “take” someone so young, when it clearly wasn’t “time” for them to go yet.

Today, I’m stricken with grief over 2 young FSU students who lost their lives heading back to school after spring break. While I did not know them, many of my students – students I love and adore – did know them, and several of them have asked me why.

Don’t forget – I’m a mom, too, and I cannot count the times I put my kids back in their car, kissed them goodbye and then held my breath for 6 hours praying to G-d to carry them safely back to school, and then breathing a sigh of relief when the text or call came through to let me know they were ok.

Sometimes, the call wouldn’t come, and then I would freak the heck out on them, but that’s a whole entirely different post. Clearly, they were always safe – and for that I am eternally grateful.

“Why did God take them?”

Today, I am reminded of what I say every week in my services when I talk about God. I remind everyone that God does not control every occurrence in the universe, and that we all have personal and human responsibility to use the gifts God has already given us, to create the lives of our dreams. But we also make human choices, uncontrolled by God, that cause outcomes both good and bad – and sometimes tragic.

I don’t believe God takes children away. EVER. God gave us the precious gift of life, and it is up to each of us to treasure it. But our bodies are made to fail. Nobody gets out of this life alive, and we are all going to pass away, some sooner than others. I believe this is an occurrence that falls out of God’s hands.

Without knowing that at any day we could take our last breath – would we treasure life so deeply? If we knew just how much time we had – would we wait till the end to fill it up?

How many of us post every single day about reminding ourselves that tomorrow may never come? The gift of tomorrow is not from God. It is simply a gift – not from a sender.

“What can we do?”

We simply cannot know – nor should we – and we must treat every day as if it were our last. But when someone we love is taken from us – we must know it was not God’s intention. God gave us life to love and enjoy without any promise of a number of days we will have.

Rest in peace, to the 2 students I do not know. But I pray my prayers are carried to the hearts of the parents who grieve their losses. And to the hearts of the mourners who grieve.

If anyone knows these parents, and can possibly let me know how my community can support them, please contact me offline.

May their memories be a blessing….

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