Up until now, you might have known me as Cantor Debbi Ballard, or Debbi, or even Cantor Debbi. Well, I have an alter ego you may not know, and might not have even guessed existed. Lots of people read my Facebook page, and see all the great things I am constantly doing, and they would be surprised to know that I am officially – the world’s WORST procrasinator! Well, maybe I’m being a bit harsh on myself, but really – this procrastination thing tends to bury a little seed, and if you let it take root for just a split second, it begins to pervade your life in the worst kind of way.
I knew May was going to be a ridiculously stressful, however highly rewarding month. For the most part, May turned out exactly as I thought it would – a whirlwind month, with so many incredible experiences. Toss in a few things I just didn’t expect, with a couple of personal setbacks I didn’t see coming, and BOOM – the seed was planted, and took root, instantly. What began as “I’m tired, burned out, and just don’t have the creative energy to write” turned into a self recriminating mantra that kept telling me that I wasn’t half the person I professed to be, if I couldn’t write just one blog entry this month!
Well – the self recriminating voice is gone. We all have bumps in the road, don’t we? Where would we be without setbacks that make us see just how strong we are? Where would we be without experiencing some of life’s failures – just so we can appreciate the little successes with fervor and exuberant joy? Once again, Danny Maseng’s Return Again, or even stronger – Joel Osteen’s Begin Again series, giving me the permission to allow myself life’s little failures of time and followthrough, with a free pass to get back on track. Begin again…isn’t every day a new beginning?
It’s so difficult to navigate life and be everything to everyone who needs us to be one thing or another. Our clients, our family, our children, our community, our creditors, our friends, our less fortunate neighbors, the list is endless. I sometimes forget – or wonder if I ever knew – who do I serve first? What if I want to serve everyone, and the population’s desires of me are incongruent? I tend to slip out of life when that happens. I tend to forget that I must serve myself first. Rev. Ernest Chu, author of “Soul Currency”, today reminded me that those of us with such strong compulsions to give – often forget to serve ourselves first – or even at all. Well, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that the vessel that continuously pours out, eventually runs out. Perhaps, the month of May was continuous pouring. I really forgot to take care of me, and I so appreciate the messages of today, telling me I am still an amazing woman, worthy of self forgiveness, compassion, and lots of tender love and care. Today was mine, and I can feel the blood really beginning to flow.
I’m excited again to write about May. The wedding of Dan & BethAnne in Gainesville, with my all time favorite Catholic Priest – Father Tim. He is quite possibly the coolest Catholic Priest I have ever met!
The wonder-weekend of Nick & Remy’s wedding in the Bahamas, followed by Jenni (the love of my life) and Mike here in Fort Lauderdale, and then the whirlwind 2000 miles in 48 hour weekend of a Bar Mitzvah, 2 weddings, and a Bat Mitzvah. I knew I would need time to recover, and here I am, on June 27th, looking July squarely in the eyes, wondering where in the hell did time go? It doesn’t matter – because every moment that flew by is in the past. I can only think about the present, and here I am – writing again, beginning again, and so excited to share all the joy that my life has seen the last month.
Stay tuned, the writer is back. The procrastinator has been siezed!
B’Shalom,
