God Archives - My Personal Cantor

Where is God in Tragedy…How to find God in Our Darkest Hours

February 21, 2018 by Debbi Ballard Leave a Comment

Finding God in the most tragic events

I was in hell.

As a Spiritual Leader in the Jewish community in South Florida, I went into crisis mode when news struck of last week’s tragic shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, FL. I immediately began checking in with all of MY PERSONAL families, the ones I have worked with over 15 years, who lived anywhere between Coral Springs and Boca, as I knew they would most likely be impacted somehow. Thankfully, in less than an hour, I learned all of MY students were home safe with families, but that was not the case for all families. Some of my students were in the same classroom. They watched their friends get shot, and die. Their lives changed instantly in those moments, and that, alone, was tragic enough. The first questions I heard was How does God let this happen? Where is God at this moment? How do we find God?

How do we find God in this tragedy?

When I work with my students, one of the most important components of teaching them for their B-Mitzvah, is to help them find their own personal image of God. Finding Him, seeking Him out, connecting to Him in prayer, and building a relationship with God is so important. Not in a religious way. But in a faith way. It’s not easy to find God, especially when you cannot see Him. But I teach my kids that by connecting, by “going there”, to a place you think God is, to simply sit in silence and wait for God to touch you – is the most effective way to find God.

But when tragedy strikes, we believe God has left the building. Or worse yet, He doesn’t exist at all. Or even more unthinkable – did God ALLOW this to happen?

All I could do at that moment, was go where families were most in pain. I went straight to the Marriott in Heron Bay as a clergy and chaplain, as someone who could simply sit with these families, and share their pain with them. To hold space for them, as they knew in their hearts, that if they hadn’t yet heard from their children by 9pm, then the worst possible news might be on the horizon.

What could I do?

I felt helpless, but purposeful. Does that even make sense? As if just being there could possibly help – but I know, somehow it did. I couldn’t change the outcome, but I could simply be with this family, to let them know that in a world that seemed so dark, so full of hate, there was still love.

In that moment, I just had to share what I was feeling. It was literally HELL. A feeling of calm, suspended between hope and tragedy. Nobody was really speaking of the darkness yet, but it loomed. And you felt it. It was palpable and evident. But if you spoke of it, it might come closer. If you held out hope, and held a vision of your child walking through that door, then suddenly – God would return as well.

I grabbed my phone. I wrote. Whatever flew through my fingertips, I memorialized the feeling. I. Was. In. Hell.

I wasn’t just a Spiritual Leader at that moment. I was experiencing the tragedy, at one with my community. Facebook allowed me to share my feelings

I. Am. In. Hell.

Or, perhaps the closest I’ve ever been. But I’m pretty sure, this is hell. I am in the room where families of children and staff are waiting, because they haven’t heard from their children or loved ones. According to the sheriff, nobody has been identified but they are asking 1 member of each family to email a picture of their child to mcv@sheriff.org with the parent name, child’s name, grade and date of birth. If you know families with missing children that have not been notified, please direct them here.

I’m grateful for the generosity of Publix and many local pizza places, as the food keeps arriving to sustain the families, but let’s not forget. This. Is. Hell. The families in this room don’t know where their children are. They feel helpless. And hopeless. There is not a single word I can say to make anyone feel better, but I am here. Because maybe I can make it a little less like hell if I offer a shoulder or a hug. Nobody knows how long it will be. The crime scene is still under investigation. The FBI and BSO is on full scale presence, with thousands of law enforcement, Red Cross, Chaplains and more. But I cannot bring myself to leave, even though I can’t change the outcome.

Today is a day of love. But it has been eternally marred by hatred, mental illness and a machine gun. You may ask… “How does God allow this to happen”? God doesn’t. He creates humans that choose good or evil. God doesn’t choose this hell for anyone. An evil human chose to destroy. God is in despair, at what a human has done. I must stand strong, unwavering in my faith at this moment, clinging to my belief that God is good. God is with all of us as we experience joy and tragedy.

Today, in this place, God is here. And so, that makes me feel hope. I will try my best to look for the light, and to be a light for someone else. But for right now, This. Is. Hell. May God answer the prayers of the families here today, but may we all choose to be the light for those whose worst nightmares may come true.Cantor Debbi Ballard

My words of comfort during tragedy

In my job, people ask me all the time…”How does God let this happen”? How do I find God in times of tragedy such as this?

There is a wonderful book I read, that once provided me with all the answers I needed to this question. It is called “I Have Some Questions About God”, published by Torah Aura Productions

God doesn’t let this happen. He does not control every human (or any human), or outcome or occurrence in the universe. God created humans, and while we were created in His image, we are yet, imperfect. We have the capacity to choose good – or evil, as humans, and what created this evil was a human, not God. When 2 students were killed at FSU, I wrote these words

God, I believe, is equally as much in despair as you and I, at what a human created.

When CNN called me, they had read my post. They wanted to hear words of comfort they could share with their viewers.

This was my response, when they asked me for my words of comfort as a Spiritual Leader in the community.

Cantor Debbi on CNN

God is where you choose for Him to be

I can’t think of any other way to say it. God can be your refuge, or God can be your scapegoat. He will be whatever you make Him.

Today, and always, I choose God as my refuge. I choose God as my light, and comfort. He is a parent. He is a friend. And while He is a judge, the Almighty Judge, there is no judgment here. There is only tragedy, created by a human. And God is waiting for us to lean on Him.

B’Shalom

On Losing Life Before It’s Time

March 21, 2017 by Debbi Ballard Leave a Comment

It’s so hard to comprehend death..

The hardest part about my job is when a young person asks me why G-d had to “take” someone so young, when it clearly wasn’t “time” for them to go yet.

Today, I’m stricken with grief over 2 young FSU students who lost their lives heading back to school after spring break. While I did not know them, many of my students – students I love and adore – did know them, and several of them have asked me why.

Don’t forget – I’m a mom, too, and I cannot count the times I put my kids back in their car, kissed them goodbye and then held my breath for 6 hours praying to G-d to carry them safely back to school, and then breathing a sigh of relief when the text or call came through to let me know they were ok.

Sometimes, the call wouldn’t come, and then I would freak the heck out on them, but that’s a whole entirely different post. Clearly, they were always safe – and for that I am eternally grateful.

“Why did God take them?”

Today, I am reminded of what I say every week in my services when I talk about God. I remind everyone that God does not control every occurrence in the universe, and that we all have personal and human responsibility to use the gifts God has already given us, to create the lives of our dreams. But we also make human choices, uncontrolled by God, that cause outcomes both good and bad – and sometimes tragic.

I don’t believe God takes children away. EVER. God gave us the precious gift of life, and it is up to each of us to treasure it. But our bodies are made to fail. Nobody gets out of this life alive, and we are all going to pass away, some sooner than others. I believe this is an occurrence that falls out of God’s hands.

Without knowing that at any day we could take our last breath – would we treasure life so deeply? If we knew just how much time we had – would we wait till the end to fill it up?

How many of us post every single day about reminding ourselves that tomorrow may never come? The gift of tomorrow is not from God. It is simply a gift – not from a sender.

“What can we do?”

We simply cannot know – nor should we – and we must treat every day as if it were our last. But when someone we love is taken from us – we must know it was not God’s intention. God gave us life to love and enjoy without any promise of a number of days we will have.

Rest in peace, to the 2 students I do not know. But I pray my prayers are carried to the hearts of the parents who grieve their losses. And to the hearts of the mourners who grieve.

If anyone knows these parents, and can possibly let me know how my community can support them, please contact me offline.

May their memories be a blessing….

I’ll Have a Double Helping of Upbeat Spirituality – Hold the Dogma!

March 11, 2010 by Debbi Ballard Leave a Comment

Reading back over some of my past blogs, I was reminded of one of my all time favorites. Given that the topic is so prevalent again, today, and I have so many new readers, I wanted to bring it out of hiding, and into the forefront again. Enjoy!

Reprinted from August 17, 2008 by cantorballard

On the heels of my blog about “What do we want from Hebrew Schools”, it becomes evident that our view today on religion, as a whole, has experienced a tremendous shift.

USAToday’s recently published article tells us that Americans lean more towards the upbeat, positive aspects of faith, while moving farther and farther away from dogmatic practices with hard core rules and restrictions. We are more prone to look to our religious traditions and rituals at time of lifecycle events, but in our every day lives, we want to receive the positive messages and encouragement faith offers.

So what does this say about our society, in terms of G-d? How do we define G-d? If we reject the rules and structure – will faith continue to exist? And – if all that – is – what is faith? Do we turn our faith into ourselves, becoming completely self-accountable? The question kind of scared me.

I do what I do to serve those who have already decided on moving away from dogma, and embracing feel-good spirituality. Sometimes I, myself, find that I really subscribe to that theory as well. We say – well, I don’t have to observe Shabbat, and…It’s ok to bend this rule, and that…It’s ok to get married “just before” sundown on Shabbat, to accommodate the caterer, etc. But- what power do we give G-d, then? I don’t feel any less connected to G-d than I ever did, in fact, in my quest for spirituality, I have grown closer.

To me, the answer is in living strong in principals, rather than rules. I go out of my way to do the right thing to and for people, to observe the golden rule, to care for the earth, caring for the sick, giving to the poor, those are things that bring me closer to G-d, because I know they’re the right things to do. I’m no less Godly, I just don’t worry about the details, in favor of the bigger things.

I’ve seen clergy – well respected, highly highly highly dogmatic, and staunch in their public ritual observance who are -pardon the expression – complete jerks – sinners, even. Are they more Godly than me? What about the Catholic priests who commit heinous acts against children – they followed the dogmatic rules, but didn’t live a life of G-d in their hearts.

What’s wrong with wanting the spiritual, upbeat message? We get the negative ones daily. You’ll get cancer, you’ll lose money, you’ll do this or that, and it’s usually bad. No wonder our society wants to gravitate to things that make us feel good while we’re here on earth – we don’t get much of it from anywhere else!

I’ll take my double dose of spirituality. I believe it is what makes me smile when I’m in your presence, to let you know you have brightened my day. I believe that being happy because I woke up this morning makes G-d feel good about me. Please forgive that I didn’t light my Shabbat candles right at sundown, or that I took my child to the movies on Saturday – at least I spent time with them, let them know their Mom loves them, and I know that makes G-d feel good about me too.

We all deserve to feel good, and we can do it with G-d in our minds and our hearts, even if we don’t follow all the rules..

Is it a coincidence? Or is it God?

October 27, 2008 by Debbi Ballard 2 Comments

Before I write my post, I want to say THANKS to my new friend, Rob Cohen, who I have had the pleasure of connecting with, thanks to the internet. Rob’s recent post about his High Holiday, Haftorah-reading return to the bimah, included a beautiful word of thanks to me for helping him, but above all, gave me the validation to write about something I feel very strongly about – God.

Rob – I love the work you are doing, and I love to help people that are truly pursuing their passion, and trying to make the world a better place. It was so sweet of you to write about me, and to put a link to my website on your blog, and I know we are going to be long time friends, even though lots of time and miles will prevent us from meeting, at least any time soon.

So anyway, in Rob’s post, he simply volunteered to read the Haftorah for HH services. That experience helped connect him to me, and then, he felt really great about what he did, and then…suddenly…”things” started happening. He started to pay more attention to his observance, and things took on new meaning in his life. Then, a Rabbi just “happened” to walk by his house, and offered to shake the lulov and etrog on Sukkot. That had never happened before. Amazing. Or – was it?

Long ago, I had a friend that was an evangelist. She told me God spoke to her. I doubted that. Seriously. What? Out of the blue, this thunderous voice just burst out of the sky and called your name? How did she know God was actually talking to her? What if she was in a crowded room? Maybe God’s message was for someone else? Then, I began my own spiritual path of learning about what I thought God really was, and strangely enough, “things” started happening to me, too. Then, I began meditating, even though I thought there was no way I would “get” anything to happen for me. But I was wrong.

I started putting together the “things”, and realized that the more I walked in a righteous path, and honored God, the more “things” showed up in my life. The quieter I was, the more “things” would enter my brain, and not these loud thunderous voices, but simple messages, almost disguised as thoughts, but ones that held so much validation and truth, that I just knew them to be the voice of God.

I was speaking to someone by phone the other day, and they were telling me of a similar coincidence, and they said “I just love those little God-winks”. That’s true – those “things” are winks that God is making. Just enough to tell us that he knows we are here, and we are in his plans, and that we should just keep on doing what we are doing, because we’re actually getting it right.

So – Rob – those things are NOT coincidences. They are messages, and subtle voices from God, telling you that you are on the right path. Mitzvah Art is going to be a big success, as is my Cantorial practice, because we are walking a righteous path, and opening ourselves to the messages we need most. The more we listen, the more we hear. The more we pray, the more Rabbis show up in our front yards with Lulavs, literally, and figuratively. I love the messages and signs that I receive, telling me I did a great job. I know you did a great job on your Haftorah reading, AND the blessings. And I’m really honored to be your friend, and thankful that God put us in each other’s paths.

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